We moved here last week, so we could escape the filth and excesses of London and ‘spend more time together as a family’. It was a fucked-up idea from the start.

It was a twisted relationship from the moment we met.

It’s always going to be like this isn’t it? You call I come running, you say jump I say ‘how high?’, translating for french guys, buying stuff with my mom’s credit card, snogging you to pull someone else. Name one thing you’ve done for me? One thing. One sodding thing.